• carla moreno

Sucking The Energy

When I look at this picture of my beloved, it makes me so happy and at the same time, terribly sad. I see an adventurer in Bruce. A person open to whatever whim comes our way. He’s an avid outdoorsman having solo backpacked some gnarly terrain just to find peace and quiet.

He once told me a story of an ongoing argument with his mother. He just didn’t understand why she wouldn’t let him camp out a few days in the woods by himself. Knowing the area and well-versed in homemade weapons, he didn’t see the problem. He was eight years old.

That’s the fella I fell in love with - the sweet, kind, adventurer.

My heart aches when I see him watch me endure all this cancer crap. It’s totally normal to focus on the cancer patient, but oftentimes, the caregiver is left behind with very little support. The fact is, I can’t help him. I’ve been sucking his energy since day one. He drives me everywhere, bathes me, cooks for me, secures appointments, fills out medical paperwork, and tends to all the housekeeping, etc. I need this. I need that. And did I mention he’s my emotional support?

Where can he go? Who can he talk to? Yes, of course he’s got friends and we have an appendix cancer support group just for caregivers. But even then, the day-to-day struggle to stay strong for me takes a toll on him.

Bruce is used to fixing a problem. He was Director of Operations for FOUR restaurants, a General Manager, and a certified Sommelier. He’s poured drinks for Yul Brynner, Goldie Hawn, Diana Rigg, and more. When a guest complained about a party set-up, or dish, he whipped something out in no time. How easy it was to fix their dilemma.

But now I see a great man hurting. He feels helpless and doesn’t know how to fix this problem. I can see it in his beautiful hazel eyes. I can feel it in his silence. And I’ve heard him sob.

Part of the pain of a cancer patient is watching their loved one try to navigate this horrendous life-altering thing. Guilt is what often comes to mind for us. Sometimes, I sit in our office by myself so he won’t see me cry. And believe me, I cry a lot. Today, I woke up with a shit-ton of hair on my pillow and when I bathed, more came out. I may be bald for our wedding.

He gave me a kiss on my forehead and vacuumed the hairy mess.

When it comes to marriage, the vows include “in sickness and in health”. Sadly, our relationship has been in sickness. He’s not had a break anymore than I have.

And yet, he still wants to marry me.

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